Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Adam's fateful lunch dessert



Please let this mean that someone somewhere (even if it's just the dude handing out fortune cookies at PeiWei in North Hills) knows that possibly we'll get good news this weekend.  It would be an amazing Mother's Day gift and I'd be due on my birthday in January.  More acupuncture tonight, I really hope that's helping us.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day.  What does this mean, you ask?  Today a day that was created 2 years ago and falls on the first Sunday of May.  This is an excerpt from the blog Carly Marie Project Heal that was created after the loss of her son Christian.

This special day was created to honour and celebrate mothers who carry some if not all of their children in their hearts rather than their arms.  In our modern day society, mothers who are grieving the death of their babies and children are usually forgotten. The traditional Mothers Day has proven to be an emotionally difficult day for so many mothers around the world.
On this day each year we come together to celebrate our connection, our babies and children and our hope for the future. We look at their ultrasound photos, polish their urns, lay flowers at their graves, visit special places and light candles in their memory.
Sunday May 6th 2012, get together with your closest friends and family who understand and celebrate you. Celebrate your children.
I have met many friends online that have lost their children, whether it was pregnancy loss through early miscarriage or late pregnancy loss.  These are some of the strongest women that I know.  It's the best support group I could ever have.  We are mothers too, even if we're not recognized in the traditional sense.  We have sons and daughters who are forever in our hearts, some with names, others that we didn't have a chance to name.

I read a quote the other day that I just love and though it can be applied to many different situations, I think that it is so meaningful for those of us who have suffered an unimaginable loss or choice that we had to make for our children.

"You know my name, not my story.
You've heard what I've done, not what I've been through.
 If you were in my shoes, you'd fall the first step"

Today I am celebrating the lives of our daughter Addison Lila, born on September 29th, 2012 and our second baby, who left us on January 11, 2012 at just 7 week gestation.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Acupuncture!

Today was my first try at acupuncture.  I know that some doctors like to do it conjunction with IVF or other IF treatments.  Though I don't have IF, and we likely will never have to do IVF, it couldn't hurt to try.  Maybe it could affect my ovulation and maybe make my body work better.

I met with the doctor and we chatted for a bit beforehand.  We talked about what I wanted to get out of this and the paperwork that I filled out.  She told me about her own struggles to get pregnant with ended with a story that was pretty much, she stopped trying and focused on her health and it happened.  And then told me other story about a woman who did 4 IVFs and was taking a break to get healthy and bam!  Magic pregnancy.  She almost lost her credibility to me.

We continued to talk about my diet and everything.  I'm supposed to stop using Splenda (because really, it's a neurotoxin) and drink whole milk (gag).  She asked me about soda and I told her really I drink it for the flavor.  She asked me about stevia (of which I'm not a huge fan) and told me of Zevia, a soda product sweetened with that.  She told me to eat the full fat milk (when I drink it, I'll drink 2%...whole is a little too much) and cheese and yogurt.  Our bodies need fat and it's not what makes us fat, it's sugar.  So those are the diet changes she wants me to make.  I'm okay with that...I was afraid it was going to be a  lot worse.

She did some sort of Electro Meridian Analysis, measuring 6 points on each wrist and my feet, which represent the energies in my body.  My Lung Meridian was WAY unbalanced, which pointed to some sort of adrenal thing and it's funny she asked me if I had any insomnia or I was sleeping through the night.  She told me that parts of your body wake at different time and the lung woke from 3a-5a.  Every time I wake up, it's sometime between then.  Interesting.  I also have palpitations, which is part of that.  My large intestine meridian was off.  I have IBS, so that was no surprise.   She also thought I might have some adrenal issues and those affect all my hormones.

She did 4 sets of needles.  My body pushed out 2 sets.  And then it pushed out the "relax" needle right in the center of my forehead.  It was weird.  She asked if I could clear my mind and I said no.  After we were done, I was noticeably itching and she asked about it.  I told her I was itchy and she gave me a knowing look and said that she really thought it was my adrenal glands and gave me a questionnaire to fill out and apparently I scored really high which indicates adrenal exhaustion.  She thinks the rash that I've had the past few days is really tied to that.

Then she did some weird thing with a supplement where I needed to hold my right arm up and try to resist her pushing it down.  I couldn't.  So she grabbed an adrenal supplement and had me hold it in my left hand close to my core and then she had my hold my right arm out again and she could barely push it.  She said it wouldn't work if, say, I held a male hormone replacement.  I held it and she could pushed my arm right down. 

She said I could either take the supplement for a few months or I could cut out all sugars and let my adrenals heal that way.  Knowing my weakness for carbs, I couldn't say I'd cut out sugars when I'm not sure that I realistically could.  It sounds lame, but I know myself.  So I bought the supplement.
So that's about it.  I'm going back on Monday, so hopefully I can continue to work on these things.  It will be nice to see if these things really work and I can feel better overall.  
Also, she said I was holding on to a lot of guilt and grief.   O_o   It's amazing what the body knows and shows in different ways.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Another month

Today marks the beginning of another cycle trying to have a baby.  Our second medicated cycle post miscarriage was a bust.  I guess I just had my hopes up because we got pregnant so quickly after we started medications.  Not to say it's take a long time, since it was only our second cycle back.  Just stings a bit.  I think what hurts the most is the psychological pain of not having a baby in 2012, when I was supposed to have on in February 2012 and then in August 2012.  Realistically, there's not much difference between December 2012 and January 2013.  It's just the psychological thing, I think.  I'll start Femara again on Friday to induce ovulation. 

In other news, last week I started the Couch to 5k program.  It's a running program that has you do a combination of running and walking, 3 days a week for 9 weeks and at the end you can (theoretically) run a 5k.  I like it because it gives me a goal.  I haven't signed up for any actual 5ks, but we'll see.

Friday, March 23, 2012

There isn't a day that goes by

that I don't think of Addison.  I thought that it was just a saying.  It's not.  It will be 6 months next Thursday and there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of her.  Especially now that she should be almost 2 months old.  I wonder all the time what she would have looked like as a newborn, a 1 month old, a 2 month old...everyday.  I'll never know.  Everyday I miss her.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I want to win some fluff!!

I just entered a giveaway for a BumGenius 4.0 diaper on The Awesome Cloth Diaper Blog!  I'm so excited about building our fluff stash.  We keep saying we'll buy one diaper a pay check!  But since really we're not pregnant again yet, it seems like it's getting pushed in the corner.  Hopefully we'll get some good news next month and we can start building a stash for a reason.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

a thought from a friend

I have a new friend I met through a Loss support board.  Her son Andrew also had several congenital heart defects and they chose the same thing that Adam and I did.  Then I actually met another person somewhere else whose son had the exact same defects as Addie, who chose to carry him to term (the right decision for them).  He lived for 24 days and struggled everyday.  I told my new friend this and this was her reply:

"I hurt every day for Andrew as I know you do for Addie, but they didn't hurt for a second."

So true.  <3